I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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