its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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