I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
