he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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