I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
