proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
