I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
