just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
