I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize