Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
