I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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