I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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