This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize