yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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