Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
