My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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