I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
