I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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