Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
