Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
