she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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