Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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