the condom got lost in my hair
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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