There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
