please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
