just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.