I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
