I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
