I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
