this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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