ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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