dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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