I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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