I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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