So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
