im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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