the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
