i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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