drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
