Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
