apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
