What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
