At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
