i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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