i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
