Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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