if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
