in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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