Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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