she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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