Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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