I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
