i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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