Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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