A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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