I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
