I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize