The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
