I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
