if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
