i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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